۞ BleEd tHE DrEaM™ ۞

Uza Eliminator

2007-09-30T21:46:00.000-07:00

Insurance...

2007-07-06T01:36:00.000-07:00

“Am I speaking to Vikram Singh Chauhan?”

“Yeah”

“Do you have insurance?”

“Hey, who starts a conversation like that? Are you the Mafia?”

“No, Sir, Citibank.”

“Worse. I don’t need insurance.”

“Why, Sir?”

“’Coz I eat saof after every meal. Nothing can EVER touch me. Not even kryptonite.”

“But, Sir, anything can happen to you tomorrow.”

“Are you saying I am going to die tomorrow?”

“No, Sir, No. Er, may be your wife needs insurance.”

“Are you saying I am 30 and I should be married by now?”

“No, Sir, No. What about your parents? May be they need insurance.”

“My father is dead. You should have called a little earlier. And now you are making me cry. Sniff.”

“No, Sir, No. What about your mother. May be she needs insurance.”

“My mother?! She is the only one who I have in this world? Are you saying something’s going to happen to my mommy?”

“No, Sir, No. Please don’t cry. I don’t think you need insurance.”

“That’s EXACTLY what I have been trying to tell you missy… Oh, by the way, what are you wearing?”

YAY to Erections

2007-07-06T01:32:00.000-07:00

Come New Year and everybody wants to know what everybody is doing for the New Year.

There’s so much pressure to perform, I don't even get erections during New Year.

I am sure somebody must have asked even Saddam the same question. "So dude, what are you doing for the new year?" "Just hangin I guess."

Honestly, to me New Year is just another day. Some guy decided to call a year a year based on the time taken for the Earth to travel around the Sun. Then he randomly divided this into 24 hours, which were further randomly divided in to 60 minutes and 60 seconds.

If I don’t consider the Sun as my reference point, and do not acknowledge this 24 x 60 x 60 random calculation, then all meaning given to Time persist. There will be no New Year. No time. Only erections!

The quickest way...

2007-07-06T01:25:00.001-07:00

An American was going for a job interview in the Scottish countryside and on the way out he asked a local farmer for directions:
“Excuse me dude could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?”
The farmer said: “You driving or walking, lad?”
The American replied: “Driving.”
The farmer nodded, saying:
“Yup, definitely the quickest way”

The drunk guy.....

2007-07-06T01:23:00.001-07:00

A police officer pulls over a Scottish man who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the man's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

tilt in your kilt

2007-07-06T01:18:00.000-07:00

A young man was at a party in Scotland fully dressed in his native kilt, every male there was. He had been dancing with several young ladies, but none of them had really interested him. But, there was one girl who he had noticed that he wanted in the worst way. He was shy however and did not have the nerve to ask. Just as the last song was coming on Jill, the girl he fancied, came over and asked him, "Would you like to dance with me?"

Thoroughly pleased the young man responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

After they danced the last dance Jill asked him, "Would you like to walk me home?"

The boy was so pleased he eagerly responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"

She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."

When they reached the girls house she calmly asked him, "Would you like to come in and sleep with me?"

He was so excited, he really was curious this time, "Was it the gleam in my eye?"

Jill responded, "No the wee tilt in your kilt."

How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity

2007-07-03T02:17:00.000-07:00

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Insist that your e-mail address is either:
xena-warrior-princess@companyname.com
or
elvis-the-king@companyname.com .

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

6. Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone is over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your cheques, write 'for sexual favors.'

10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13. Dont use any punctuation

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to eat here".

17. Sing along at the opera.

18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall 3."

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23. Call 000 and ask if 000 is for emergencies.

24. Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

25. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

26. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "Third time this week!!!"

27. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

28. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

29. Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

30. Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women!!!

2007-07-03T02:06:00.000-07:00

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

Fluffy Bunny Rabbit

2007-07-03T02:02:00.000-07:00

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead.

Chris panicked!

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.

Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage!"

Why is chocolate better than sex?

2007-07-03T01:54:00.001-07:00

1. You can GET chocolate.

2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

6. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

7. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

8. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

9. You can have chocolate on your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

11. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

12. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

14. Good chocolate is easy to find.

15. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

16. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

17. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.

18. With chocolate size doesn't matter.

If You Love Somebody . . . .

2007-07-02T06:04:00.000-07:00

THE ORIGINAL VERSION
If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours.

THE PESSIMIST VERSION
If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION
If you love somebody, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION
If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION
If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION
If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.

THE PLAYFUL VERSION
If you love somebody, Set her free ... * If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat *

THE LAWYER'S VERSION
If you love somebody, Set her free... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION
If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION
If you love somebody, Set her free... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION
If you love somebody don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION
If you love somebody set her free... instantaneously... and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION
If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, her super ego is dominant If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION
If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION
If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, she has brand loyalty. If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Men & Women

2007-07-02T02:26:00.000-07:00

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Which condom would you use....?

2007-07-02T02:17:00.000-07:00

*  Nike Condoms: Just do it.
*  Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
*  Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
*  Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
*  Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
*  Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
*  Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a woman.
*  Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
*  Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
*  Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
*  Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
*  New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
*  California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
*  Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
*  KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
*  Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
*  Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
*  Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
*  The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't
                         belong in your face.
*  General Electric:  We bring good things to life!
*  AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
*  Bounty:  The quicker picker upper.
*  Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
*  Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
*  M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
*  Chevron:  use them?  people do.
*  Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
*  MCI: for friends and family
*  Double Mint:  Double your pleasure, double your fun!
*  The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
*  Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
*  United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
*  The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before